Stay Connected - Even When Your Woman Is Having A Crisis
A week ago, Ellen's younger brother unexpectedly died.
Since then, John has tried to reach out to Ellen.
He has offered to support her.
He has tried to be there for her, but she keeps pushing him away.
Because her brother died of a drug overdose, Ellen is wracked with both guilt and grief.
She has told John that she "doesn't deserve to be happy" because she wasn't able to prevent his death.
Ellen has been staying with her parents since her brother's death and she rarely returns John's phone calls, texts and e-mails.
When she does respond, it is in short, impersonal messages.
He feels like she's cut him out of her life and doesn't know what to do.
When someone you love is going through a difficult time, you may be searching for the best way to let her know that you are available for comfort, support and help.
The trouble is, sometimes in the midst of a full-blown crisis your partner pushes you away and refuses your offers of support.
It could be that, like Ellen, your woman is grappling with some heavy stuff.
Maybe she is in shock, grief or feels somehow responsible for this horrible thing that's happened.
She may have cut off contact with you or seems unreachable.
You don't want to push yourself on her, but you don't want to lose her (or your relationship) either.
Or, it may be that your partner is still living with you and participating in activities with you much like before-- except for the fact that her energy and attention are distant and withdrawn.
She hasn't literally cut you out, but emotionally this is how it feels.
If you're looking for ways to stay connected with your woman and be a source of support for her during a crisis, try these tips...
Don't take it personally.
It's just about impossible to be helpful to someone who is going through a rough time when you're feeling hurt and rejected.
If it seems that your mate has pushed you away in the midst of her crisis, try not to take it personally...
unless it truly is personal.
Get some perspective on what she's saying and doing.
If there are specific behaviors of yours that she's asking you to change or objecting to, pay close attention to this.
Ask yourself if maybe she's got a point.
Is this something that you're willing to change that might benefit you, your partner and your relationship? I'm not asking you to blindly do whatever it takes to please her just because she's going through a crisis.
That will only breed resentment.
What I encourage you to do is to assess whether her criticisms have some accuracy to them when you're really honest with yourself.
If your woman's withdrawal or behavior toward you does not seem to be about you, don't make it about you.
The last thing she probably needs is for you to add to her stress.
Continue to figure out and remember what's really about you and what's not.
Ask and then really listen to what she says she needs.
When you're able to not take it personally, you can more clearly communicate with her.
Don't be a pest, but regularly ask her what she needs.
This might change as time passes.
If, for example, she seems to be unusually quiet or is visibly upset, ask her a question like, "What can I do to help you right now?" After you ask this question, really listen to her answer.
You might be surprised that what you think she needs is quite different from what she knows she needs.
Be honest about whether or not you are able and willing to give her what she's asking for.
It's not going to help her if you make a promise you cannot keep.
Continue to care for and honor yourself.
Just as it's nearly impossible to be a source of support for someone when you're taking things personally, it's just as hard when you aren't caring for yourself.
Don't put your own well-being on hold just because your woman is going through a crisis.
Yes, her concerns may take more of your energy and time right now, but be sure to keep doing the things you do for yourself that help you stay healthy and as stress-free as possible.
Keep working out at the gym, eating healthy, staying hydrated and take time (even if it's less frequent or for shorter durations than usual) for any other activities that help you care for and honor your own needs.
It's probable that whatever has happened to cause a crisis for your partner has an effect on you as well.
If you need to talk with someone about this situation and process your own feelings about it, go to a trusted friend, family member or a professional counselor or coach.
It might be soothing to your woman to know that you are struggling with this difficult situation too, but while she is in crisis about this, it's probably unwise to make her your primary source of support.
Find the balance between being honest about how you're affected by this AND not adding to her stress by dumping on her.
The benefit of all of this is that you will have more to give your woman.
You can also stay clearer so that you can know what will truly help you two stay connected as you support her in the way she needs.